Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I am a Self-Thief

Here is an old post from a blog that I used to contribute to. Since I am too lazy to come up with any original humorous content, I figured I'd just repost it here on 413some. Enjoy learning about my favorite little southern town.

Thank you, weed, for helping me discover the town of Melber, situated in the southwest corner of Kentucky.
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What draws my interest to Melber? Uh, nothing.....except for the fact that its FUCKING ZIP CODE IS 42069! Click here to learn more.
Yep, that's right. In order to send a letter to someone in Melber, you have to insinuate both marijuana smoking and mutual oral sex! I hope at least one of their 842 citizens finds this amusing. Also of humorous note: Melber is located in McCracken County, and the state abbreviation for Kentucky is "KY". 

But, despite the lack of attention I have paid 413some lately, I will soon be back in force. I am writing these words from the Apple Store, where my computer is being turned into a fucking robo-cop that will help me write face melting blog post in the days to come.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

In My Brief Absence...

Friends, I am in a, shall we say, transitional phase. One result of this is that I don't currently have reliable access to the internet. The frequency of my blog posts has suffered as a result. While I get my ducks in a row, I encourage you to do the following things:

Kick back and enjoy a refreshing beer.
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Spend some "you time" around the house. Let your true colors fly!
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While you're at it, maybe you could freshen the place up a bit.
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And use the time to catch up on some quality reading.
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Go ahead 'n spoil yourself. You deserve it! And I should remind you that, without proper R & R, you could become as tightly wound as this lady.
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Sunday, July 5, 2009

We Live in a Diverse World

I work at a coffee shop. We serve coffee that is organic, fair trade, shade-grown, vegan, shipped in hemp sacks, transported aboard bio-diesel airplanes, and hand-roasted by inner-city minority youths who are given liberal arts scholarships and are taught yoga. The coffee also supports same-sex marriage, drives a Prius, and donates to NPR. But, surprisingly, it is pro-life. It is complex coffee that resists being pigeonholed.

So that our customers know exactly what they're drinking, we proudly display labels that inform them where the coffee came from and what some of its defining characteristics are. However, some of these labels sound like they're attempting to sum up entire nationalities. Here is an example:

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This poses an interesting conundrum since "soft" and "enticing" are adjectives not typically associated with Mexicans. Perhaps a more accurate label would read "wily and prone to dance", or "strong and skilled with a blade".

Some of the labels are a bit more precise. Take a look at this one:

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It comes as no surprise that Guatemalans are described as "elegantly balanced" since, due to the mountainous terrain of their home country, a clumsy Guatemalan would not last very long. Also, their rich tradition of dance is nothing short of elegant.

Some of the labels are a tad ambiguous, and thus don't really say much:

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Perhaps I could apply a bit of my personal experience to this one. If this Italian Roast coffee shares the "southern Italian tradition" of the Sicilian side of my family, it could be described as "loud and angry" or "distrusting of blacks" or "unwilling to forgive my father for marrying a Jew".

After hours upon hours of gazing ponderously at these coffee labels, I realized that perhaps the world would be easier to comprehend if all types of people were described as succinctly as these labels describe our beans. Here are some examples I came up with:

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Weird...

"Hello, I am a cock n' balls with teeth"
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"Just kidding. I'm actually a mole rat. But you totally thought I was a cock n' balls with teeth, didn't you? Seeing as I'm the most hideous creature on the planet, the only thing I have to fall back on is my sense of humor."

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"Here's what it looks like when I'm nursing my young. Or, if you are attracted to hairless, flaccid wieners, you can pretend that this photo depicts a bunch of tiny penises attacking a much larger penis, perhaps in an attempt to steal its virility. Whatever gets you through the night."