HALLOWEEN!

Everybody plays a character. Since the first day of kindergarten, each person has been fine-tuning the skills with which he or she executes their given role. Some play the clown, others the commanding asshole, and still others play the devilishly handsome mind-ninja who fucking rules at everything (me). The silliest part of the farce of identity is that most people refuse to acknowledge that they are wearing a grotesque costume. That is, of course, except for during a little holiday called Halloween (derived from the phrase "Heych Lowayhn", which is Gaelic for "Candy Grabathon").



During Halloween people traditionally wear a "scary" costume. The reason I put quotation marks around "scary" was to imply indignant sarcasm. And the cause for this sarcasm is the fact that, despite Halloween's apparent tradition of scariness, truly terrifying costumes are frowned upon. Dress up as a retarded ghost and people will love you. But dress up as, say, the airplane that crashed into the World Trade Center, or as infamous Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, and people call you insensitive.


"Trick or treat! Haha, what fun! I am evil Nazi doctor Josef Mengele. May I please have some fun-sized Snickers now? Wait, you're giving out APPLES?!? Fuck this shit."
-Dr. Josef Mengele

I am personally of the belief that dressing up as your own worst fears, and thus symbolically becoming the thing that is terrifying due in no small part to its foreignness, is an excellent way to mollify the dread that constantly haunts you (me). But most people think that it's way more fun to dress as a slutty vampire or as a slutty zombie or as Britney Spears, who is slutty.


People tend to read fear into things that strike them as foreign or different. If you are scared of the man in this photo, you are a racist. Unless you are black, in which case you're just a pussy.

AssociatedContent.com lists the most popular Halloween costumes of 2007 as 1) Pirate, 2) Cowboy, 3) Grim Reaper, and so on. These are all stupid choices that aren't even scary at all. I would like to take this opportunity to look at some of my past costume choices and analyze the "Stimulus -> Fearful Response -> Brief Period of Weeping -> Reclaiming of my Own Fears" psychological mechanism that they betray.

Halloween 2004: The Cheshire Cat


Now, most people do not consider this "benevolent" cartoon jester to be a threat. These people are living in denial. Remember how Alice was trapped in a horrible psychedelic nightmare full of gruesome creatures who wanted to kill and/or grope her? And remember how the Cheshire Cat pretended to be her friend but actually played mind games with her, driving her ever closer to the brink of total insanity? Yeah, he was a motherfucker, and was clearly scarier than a pirate. I'm not going to go so far as to claim that the Cheshire Cat was the second coming of Dr. Josef Mengele (especially because Mengele was sipping mojitos and banging cabana boys in South America when Alice in Wonderland came out), but he was certainly more terrifying than a Power Ranger or whatever the hell else people dress up as.

Halloween 2005: A Biker


OK, I admit it. I threw this costume together at the last minute. But still, it's pretty scary, no? Remember in "The Hell's Angels" when Hunter S. Thompson talks about that one biker who grabbed a waitress in the middle of a diner and pulled out her teeth with a pair of pliers right in front of everyone, and then he pulled out his own teeth while cackling? That shit was hecka crazy. Bikers are scary.

Halloween 2006: Edward Scissorhands


May I draw your attention to the tight black leather outfit, the pallid cheeks, and the pursed lips? Edward Scissorhands is clearly a stand-in for AIDS-infected German operatic misfit Klaus Nomi. And what could be scarier than a disease that makes you vulnerable to all other diseases? This is why Edward Scissorhands is truly my scariest costume. It represents the horrifying possibility of unconscious self-destruction and, as Werner Herzog would say, "The overwhelming indifference of nature". It is the black, empty void that stands just behind every illusory experience of "reality". If you don't believe me, observe this video of Klaus Nomi's song "Lightning Strikes".

The wretched emptiness of the uncaring nature of reality is right there inside each one of us.

JUST KIDDING!
Halloween is actually nothing more than an excuse to get wasted and dress like a ho. Knock 'em dead!

Remember This Steaming Pile O' Crap?

BAM!
This is the kind of shit they shoveled at us back before the millennium changed. It is very, very difficult to watch, so I will draw your attention to several points of interest.
1) Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes is kind enough to use sign language throughout the video so that even deaf people will be able to appreciate the poetry of her lyrics.
2) Observe the young woman's reaction at minute 1:59. Touching and thought provoking.
3) Minute 2:04. Just watch it.


Pure 'tude.

I freakin' swear that I'll write something of substance soon, so please don't give up on me. What should I write about? I'm thinking Halloween or guns or Barack Obama. Help me out here.

I Am a Terrible Blogger

I know, I know. It's been a while. You probably don't even remember me. And guess what? I don't have anything even remotely interesting to write about today. If I were a good blogger, I would have a fantastical entry ready, full of laughs, pictures, and a general disdain for my audience. But I am a terrible blogger. In lieu of actual content, here is a link to a story about a racist receipt.

Also, here are some photos for your viewing pleasure

This man has a very long arm.


This package of snacks has clearly never heard of a little thing called "tolerance".


I'll writing something soon, I swear. I think it's going to be about guns.

I'm John McCain, and I Approved this Message

"Back when I was young, I was a grade A poonslayer. Here's a photo of me enjoying a cup of coffee and a cigarette after fingerblasting the entire Delta Sigma Theta sorority house. It was swell!"



"One time I banged Michelle Obama's grandmother. I didn't even call her the next day. But that's OK, cause she was a Colored. After graduating from the Academy I became a soldier!"



"I went to Vietnam where they let me hold a REAL GUN! But then I got captured and they yelled at me and hit me with sticks a lot. Here's a picture of the Gook who hit me. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!"



"But that was a long time ago. Now I look like a strange little crustacean. Excuse me for a moment while I lay eggs in your ear."

Spyin' on Mood

Get this: I was working at the antique shop alone today when a woman with a thick French accent came in. She gushed on and on about how she, too, works in a gallery. She insisted on showing me her gallery's website, and directed me to Gallart.com. The gallery is in Florida, is gargantuan, and sells an unbelievable amount of shitty art. But, and here's where it gets good, there's a live webcam overlooking the gallery that YOU CAN CONTROL FROM YOUR COMPUTER! Doesn't sound particularly exciting? Well it makes me feel like James fucking Bond! Oh, and I forgot to mention that it let's you take SNAP SHOTS. Here are some super stealthy spy photos I took:

This is what the gallery looks like.


Our attention is best focused on the art, right? WRONG! If you make the camera move to the left, you see this fellow hard at work.


"But", you might say, "I want to see what that man's FACE look like!"
No problemo.


Gotcha! But what good is a face without a name. Let's see what happens when we take a gander at his computer screen.


Mood. The man's name is Mood. Seriously. I can guarantee that he's been getting shit for his name since he was born. It almost makes me feel guilty for spying on him. Almost. Out of curiosity, let's just see what Mood is writing about.


Holy crap! What kind of operation is this, anyway? We must find out together. I urge all of you to spy on Mood and his coworkers and see what you can come up with. Here's how you take spy photos:

1) Click HERE, which will take you to the webcam homepage.
2) Select a viewer from the list. I've been using "Java applet viewer". Once you select one, you will be taken to a live shot of the gallery.
3) Click on "Control" from the toolbar at the top. Arrows will appear that allow you to control the movements of the camera. Click "Tele" to zoom in and "Wide" to zoom out. The camera reacts slowly, but it's totally freakin worth it.
4) Finally, when you find a frame you want to immortalize, click "Capture" on the toolbar at the top.

The woman who told me about this gallery also mentioned that they'd gotten robbed recently. The thief got away with tens of thousands of dollars worth of sculptures. I asked if the webcam was already installed when the robbery took place, and she said that yes, it was. I wonder how he cased the joint?

That's it. Snoop around and find out what you can. If you take photos that are particularly interesting, send them to 413some@gmail.com and I will post them here. You have no idea how much fun this is.

Here are some more interesting things I found:

There's a woman who sits at the desk next to Mood. Let's take a peek under her desk.

BUSTED! Drinkin' on the job. Tisk tisk.

Let's look over by the register. Why, it's the credit card machine!


Look, a customer is making a purchase!


I sure hope no one is spying on their PIN number!


What a shit show.